Q: I moved out of my parents' house last year. It's been okay, but everything is so expensive I don't know if I want to continue like this. I can pay my bills, but that's it. If I moved back home I could save about $800 a month. Problem is I really don't get along with my parents or my sister. I'm torn about what to do.
Saver not a spender
A: I think you answered your own question when you said that none of you get along in your family. I know you feel the general sense of anxiety about finances, but it sounds like you have the means to live on your own. What price tag can you put on your sanity?
There's something to be said for being on your own. I don't know how old you are, but moving back home can be a reversion to childhood. This can mean you're treated like a child again, and it can also mean that unconsciously you want to retreat to the safety of childhood, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I know that for some the end result of moving back can be an unexpected crushing blow to their sense of self-esteem. I would advise you to carefully weigh the options. You could give the old tried and true method of listing all the pros and cons of each. But most importantly, the decision has to come from your feelings. After all, they will be your constant companion no matter what you do.
Be Well
Michael
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Thursday, July 3, 2008
Memories Lead Nowhere
Q: I've been in therapy every week for the last two years. Recently I've started remembering things that happened when I was very young (2 or 3 years old). I thought this would help me get to the root of the problems I have, but instead it seems I'm getting worse. I feel stuck in a rut. I really have two questions. One, how do I go further in remembering traumas that happened, even as an infant? Second, is it normal to be getting worse instead of better?
Losing my patience
A: Great question. Recovered memory may be imaginary, not reality. If you're seriously trying to recollect events prior to five, it's probably not going to happen. Your brain is still developing in childhood. At two or three, you don't have any verbal memories. If you do, there might be an accurate snippet, but it's primarily projection.
Some folks say that therapy has made them worse, and that is often true. I can offer at least a hundred reasons for this, but here are two:
1.Generally, people get worse before they get better in therapy. If they stop prematurely, they can walk away in worse shape.
2. But more likely, when clients or therapists begin digging into the past too soon, the hunt for memories becomes a subclinical, or even clinical, obsession. Depth therapy does more harm than good if someone is given to obsessions.
Here's the reality: Your past is useful only as part of the story you tell about your life. Go to therapy every week with a therapist who uses an interpersonal approach to the therapeutic dialogue. You'll see your past come to life in the present through your relationship with the therapist. Only then can you have the "corrective emotional experience." Otherwise you're stuck saying, "I will not change until (my parents, my brother, my dog, whoever) treats me differently when I was three."
Be well.
Michael
Read more!
Losing my patience
A: Great question. Recovered memory may be imaginary, not reality. If you're seriously trying to recollect events prior to five, it's probably not going to happen. Your brain is still developing in childhood. At two or three, you don't have any verbal memories. If you do, there might be an accurate snippet, but it's primarily projection.
Some folks say that therapy has made them worse, and that is often true. I can offer at least a hundred reasons for this, but here are two:
1.Generally, people get worse before they get better in therapy. If they stop prematurely, they can walk away in worse shape.
2. But more likely, when clients or therapists begin digging into the past too soon, the hunt for memories becomes a subclinical, or even clinical, obsession. Depth therapy does more harm than good if someone is given to obsessions.
Here's the reality: Your past is useful only as part of the story you tell about your life. Go to therapy every week with a therapist who uses an interpersonal approach to the therapeutic dialogue. You'll see your past come to life in the present through your relationship with the therapist. Only then can you have the "corrective emotional experience." Otherwise you're stuck saying, "I will not change until (my parents, my brother, my dog, whoever) treats me differently when I was three."
Be well.
Michael
Read more!
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